Not His to Give
by WhiteMoon56
Summary: Solas is gone, and Cole knows Lavellan is in pain. He can feel it, and he knows why Solas left. But the truth is not his to give.


She was loud. Louder than the rest, her pain was like an inferno, bright and bleeding, smoke and shadows and shards. Jagged, broken. Though she tried to hide it, tried to tuck it away in her corners and dark places, he heard her. He couldn't tune her out. She needed help.

But it wasn't something he could heal.

Truths and words clung to him, like shadows. Help her, tell her, heal her. Not his words to give. They didn't belong to him. The weight of knowing pressed, prodded, poked his head and his soul. Knowing and not being able to tell her.

 _He left. Shattered, stolen, silent. Why? What didn't he tell me?_

Cole tipped his head, her pain peaking. _Words, lies, tangle and swirl together, mixing and churning. He lied to me. Lies, love, loss. Listening._

He tapped a heel against the bark of the tree, the hollow notes like a wooden heartbeat. Other little hurts, he could help, but her, she was bright. Too bright. Too painful. The light made his head ache. Shadows behind the success. Voids behind the victory.

He couldn't help her.

"Observing the masses, kid?" The voice of the dwarf, called him kid. Kid, kidding, kid. Names given when the real ones were too serious. Made the lines in his face less dark. "You like sitting in the tree?" Smile in the words.

"I like trees. Trees can't hurt people." He rested a hand against the bark, feeling the hum of life. "It helps, shading, sheltering, seeing. No one else knows."

The dwarf took a breath. He didn't understand; that was okay. No one really did. Solas had… but he was gone. A piece of her heart disappears into the shadows. _Ar lath ma, vhenan._

"…Kid? You look lost." Concern in the words. He doesn't want to lose anyone else; too many already. The smile cracks.

"She's hurting." Cole looked out over the courtyard, past the healers, to the fortress itself. Her pain sang a song from her quarters, light and bright and loud.

"Who is? Can you help her?"

 _"Faded, fractured, falling. Reclaimed to wandering, not going to come back. Not likely. It hurts. What we had… was real."_ He shook his head, the brim of his hat brushing a dangling leaf. "Not mine… I can't. Stuck words, like honey on his tongue laced with poison."

"…Ah." The grass swayed as the dwarf shifted, rocking on his heels. A nervous habit; makes him taller, always made Hawke smile. He misses her. The dwarf threw words at his back, concerned but not cold. "You know, don't you? Why he left." A laugh, the sound hollow. Not real. Empty, expectant. "No one hides anything from you, kid."

Cole resumed tapping his heel against the tree, little bursts of life like candles flickering in darkness. "She is real. Which means everyone could be real. It changes everything, but it can't." He blinked, focusing on a small sprout of elfroot growing in the courtyard. "Clouds cover the truth, cloak the sacrifices. Regrettable measures. _Ir abelas, ma vhenan._ "

"So you won't tell her." A sigh, scolding, sharp. Disapproving. He wants her to heal. Doesn't want to see her like this anymore. "Even to help?"

"Not my words to give. They don't belong to me. I can't give her something that isn't mine." He pressed his hat deeper onto his head, still hearing her, jagged and glowing. "The truth aches, arches, anchors him to the silence. Has to come from him; no other way. But not now. Not yet. Waiting. Watching. Loneliness scrapes, light lost to shadow. _Not yet…_ "

Another sigh, tired this time. Old, older than the lines in his face and the smile on his lips. Too much loss. Too much war. Cole turned to face him, another hurt rising, softer than hers but still sharp. _Bastard broke her. Picked her up and dropped her into pieces. Should put an arrow between Chuckles' eyes._ Concern for her, stuffed into his heart already full of friends. Her pain, his, just as Hawke's is. Tales told toil away the guilt, shared smiles shield pain. Rock, real, rolling. Constant, but changed. Weathered by one storm too many.

" _You_ can help her. She needs words, but not mine. Mine make her sad. Torn, tangled, tired. I make her remember." Cole watched something flicker in the dwarf's eyes. "She likes stories. Words wrap around her, will away the world. Like his used to… but lighter. Laughter, not sorrow." Her pain was muted now, less malevolent. Mournful. He could still hear her. His eyes fluttered closed. "Like Hawke. _Smile tugs the corners of her lips, though the tears. Sod it, this city is ruining her. My fault…"_

"Okay, kid. Thanks. That'll be all." Little pebbles rolled away from his boots as he turned from the tree and began walking towards the fortress. "I'll do my best. Going to join us?" Cole tilted his head. He wasn't fixed, but folded, frayed. Not torn completely, yet. He helped.

"Maybe. I go where I'm needed."

With a smile, the dwarf nodded. "Yes… you do." And without another word he grew smaller in the distance and disappeared. Cole remained in the tree, listening, lingering, loitering. Her pain was still bright, but grew softer.

 _They still care, still believe in me. Know I haven't fallen completely. Thank the Creators…_ Still sharp, but stitched. No longer blinding. Cole could hear others again, pinpricks of hurt like stars.

She emerged, trailed by the dwarf. Her eyes were bright, brilliant, bubbling with pain. He waited, and she saw him. She never forgot him.

Avoiding her gaze, he retreated deeper into the tree, leaves protecting from the prying search. Questions followed him, tripping, trying, trailing through the leaves to reach his head. _Why? What did I do? Where did he go?_ He closed his eyes again, hid away in the shadows. They kept him safe. He couldn't help her.

They were not his words to give.

* * *

 **A/N:** I've always been fascinated by Cole. He's one of my favorite characters. This was practice for writing him accurately, because his manner of speech is so interesting. I hope you enjoyed it, and please R &R! It only makes me better!


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